As a gay man who has a partner who struggles with addictions, I am grateful for the UCC and my own church, GOGUCC (http://www.gogucc.com). Both have helped to strengthen me spiritually and help me find serenity in this storm of addiction.

Even drug abusers deserve our love - and help. Many times they don't want it, but they need it nevertheless. But help is not always what you think it is. The best advice I have in that respect is to be a pillar of support - and a shining example. Exactly what the UCC has been for me.

If you would care to discuss more with someone, feel free to contact me. I would be glad to help!

How did that affect my sexuality? I was in denial my whole childhood - and unable (I felt) to talk to my very Catholic parents about it. I did not "come out" until I was 21, and in a town very far away from my parents' influence, and even then did not tell my parents until several years later.

It was worse for my younger brother, who is also gay. I was lucky enough to go to public school - he attended Catholic School - and he was the favored, the youngest, by nine years. Fortunately, by the time he was ready to "come out," I had already paved the way. All he had to do was say, "Me Too!"

Long term effect? My parents love me. They love my brother. But in each case that love seems to have a qualification - "I love you, but I don't agree with your lifestyle." I often wonder if unconditional love always come with a caveat like that, or if my parents missed the sermon that day. That caveat drove me away from my parents, and my church - I now live 2300 miles away from any immediate family. My brother never really flew that far from the nest, but even he moved nearly a hundred miles away to escape their direct influence.

I haven't stepped into a Catholic Church since, even though my husband, Frank, is also Catholic (doesn't attend). Instead, we sought out a church that practiced unconditional love towards gays and lesbians (the MCC). Even they did not have it quite right, but it was the best thing we had found, until the UCC (far better, with a clear understanding of unconditional love).

I'm not "out" to the rest of the family, except to my own brothers and sisters, and close cousins. This is not because they wouldn't understand (I don't claim to know if they would or wouldn't), but because I no longer need their validation, or their approval, of my life. Jesus knows who I am, and loves me anyway.

I'm very amazed that my faith has survived nearly ten years without active worship - but to this day I can still recite EVERY WORD of the Catholic Mass (I was very involved in my church, including Altar Acolyte, Usher, Deacon, Choir, Fundraisers, Youth Group and Volunteer Work). To this day it still feels funny not to be kneeling in church, and don't get me started on transubstantiation (grin)!

I have come to recognize that worship is a celebration - because Jesus loves me, not merely because I love Jesus. I have also come to recognize that people who want to be part of my life are not going to get the "edited-for-television" version of it. Either they love me for everything that I am, or I do not require their involvement at all. Does that sound callous? I hope not - it's just a basic truth.

As for your sons - noone wants to edit their family (or friends) out of their lives - everyone wants love. But who is really doing the editing, your boys, or their grandmother? Closed minds mean closed doors. All your sons can do is be good, sound christians and not become jaded from their experiences, and they will come out of it alright - hopefully with grandmother in doting tow.

Fortunately, your sons have you, a loving sincere person willing to do your homework and make the investment in their lives - that's a significant amount of love, right there. Between that and God's love, they have ample support to get them through.

Many parents, including my own, won't talk about it. Oh, they'll ask after Frank (How is Frank? Tell him we said hi!), but it comes off more as small talk rather than sincerity - they don't seem to want to be involved. Your son sounds smart - he knew what he was going to say when he sat down and had that talk - had probably rehearsed it many times in his mind - like all of us gays and lesbians. You ask, "I wonder, do you feel it has been difficult lifestyle for you?" I would say that life is challenging, no matter what sexual orientation a person is. In my case, I don't consider it a lifestyle - it's just my life. "Lifestyle" makes it sound like a choice - but believe me, I had no choice in the matter. I am what I am, and I was only kidding myself when I tried to pretend otherwise. Examining it from an outsider perspective, I have had my share of discrimination because I was gay (from family, friends, church and employers), I have had my brushes with hypocrisy and homophobia. I am fortunate to never have lost a friend or lover to AIDS or anything else. I have been blessed with good health. The sort of problems I experience aren't a result or symptom of my lifestyle - they are things that anyone could experience - a partner with a problem with addiction, financial struggles - those problems aren't partial to gays or lesbians. And anyone can be discriminated against!

My folks are older than you are, and their parents were even older! But I actually think that my grandparents were far more accepting than my own parents were - despite the fact that it was never discussed (at all). My grandparents made my husband feel welcome in their home, treated him normally and with respect.

That's not to say my own parents have not made Frank feel welcome, or that they did not respect him. But that caveat was (is) always looming with my parents. Although, my Dad (the person I least expected to be supportive) has been reaching out to me and Frank a lot more as he gets older. It was not always the case.

I have to expound on one statement you make, though: "Only God can change their hearts." It is true that God has the power to change hearts, but I believe he does so through people - real people like you and me. I consider it my responsibility as gay man to be a role model and a mind-changer (always doing so respectfully and with a christian spirit in my heart) - and I have a duty to gently educate those people within the sound of my voice and influence to help them realize that gays and lesbians are people too.

To that end, I am "out" at work, "out" in church, "out" in my town, and "out" to my family (to the extent that they involve themselves). I try to live by the motto "they will know we are christians by our love."

As for a parents' role - the journey to understanding is sometimes difficult, and I believe that God is understanding. Keep the communication lines open with your children and show them respect - and it will come back to you in kind!

I am told that I have a great solo voice - and I sing well in a group too - but I avoid joining choirs because I just can't stand to have to sing a song slower than molasses - beautiful lyrics and fantasmagoric arrangement cannot compensate for a song with no joy!

Fortunately, my congregation has a choir that knows how to be joyful - and somber, too - it's a good mix!

There is a good variety of music in our church - sometimes, I'm ashamed to say, it bores me. This probably has more to do with repetition than due credit for the piece. I am not a person who likes to hear a song over and over and over week after week after week.

Now our Choir has been on vacation for several weeks now and I am really missing their work. They practice every Sunday usually and I get to hear them while I am setting up the projection systems. They put a lot of work into it. It shows in their performances and during service. Also they provide leadership for new songs, so that no one is lost.

My experiences are not limited to my own church - I also have heard performances, choirs, and music in other UCC churches in the Southeast Conference - and it may be because I now live in the south - that the music tends to be uplifting, spiritual, and energetic.

For me, though, it is not always how well they do the music it is how well I hear it - Where my spiritual being is at that moment. In other words, how is my relationship with Jesus at the moment. Having spiritual clarity generally helps me appreciate life, and music, a lot more.